教你幾招，輕松KO討厭的人
難免會遇到一些我們不喜歡的人。面對討厭的人，我們該如何與之相處呢?聰明人自有妙招。學好這八條，你的世界也許就會豁然開朗。
In a perfect world, each person we interact with would be nice, kind, considerate , mindful, generous, and more. They would get our jokes and we would get theirs. We would all thrive in a convivial atmosphere where no one was ever cross, upset, or maligned.
However, we don’t live in a perfect world. Some people drive us crazy, and we (admittedly ) drive a few mad as well. Those we dislike are inconsiderate, rushed, malign our character, question our motives, or just don’t get our jokes at all—but expect us to laugh at all theirs.
You might wonder whether it is possible to be fair to someone who ruffles you all the time, or someone you’d rather avoid eating lunch with. You might wonder if you should learn to like every person you meet.
According to Robert Sutton (a professor of management science at Stanford University), it’s neither possible—nor even ideal—to build a team comprised entirely of people you’d invite to a backyard barbecue.
That’s why smart people make the most out of people they don’t like. Here’s how they do it.
1. They accept that they are not going to like everyone.
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we are nice people. We think that we are going to like everyone we interact with—even when that’s not going to happen. It’s inevitable you will encounter difficult people who oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They also recognize that conflicts or disagreements are a result of differences in values.
That person you don’t like is not intrinsically a bad human. The reason you don’t get along is because you have different values, and that difference creates judgment. Once you accept that not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone because of a difference in values, the realization can take the emotion out of the situation. That may even result in getting along better by agreeing to disagree.
2. They bear with (not ignore or dismiss ) those they don’t like.
Sure, you may cringe at his constant criticism, grit your teeth at her lousy jokes, or shake your head at the way he hovers around her all the time, but feeling less than affectionate to someone might not be the worst thing. “From a performance standpoint, liking the people you manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little,” says Sutton.
“You need people who have different points of view and aren’t afraid to argue,” Sutton adds. “They are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things.” It may not be easy, but bear with them. It is often those who challenge or provoke us that prompt us to new insights and help propel the group to success. Remember, you are not perfect either, yet people still tolerate you.
3. They treat those they don’t like with civility.
Whatever your feelings are for someone, that person will be highly attuned to your attitude and behavior, and will likely reflect it back to you. If you are rude to them, they will likely throw away all decorum and be rude to you too. The onus, therefore, is on you to remain fair, impartial, and composed.
“Cultivating a diplomatic poker face is important. You need to be able to come across as professional and positive,” says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist. This way you won’t stoop to their level or be sucked into acting the way they do.
4. They check their own expectations.
It’s not uncommon for people to have unrealistic expectations about others. We may expect others to act exactly as we would, or say the things that we might say in a certain situation. However, that’s not realistic. “People have ingrained personality traits that are going to largely determine how they react,” says Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD (psychology professor at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, New Jersey). “Expecting others to do as you would do is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.”
If a person causes you to feel exactly the same way every time, adjust your expectations appropriately. This way you’ll be psychologically prepared and their behavior will not catch you by surprise. Smart people do this all the time. They’re not always surprised by a dis-likable person’s behavior.
5. They turn inwards and focus on themselves.
No matter what you try, some people can still really get under our skin . It’s important that you learn how to handle your frustration when dealing with someone who annoys you. Instead of thinking about how irritating that person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are. Sometimes what we don’t like in others is frequently what we don’t like in ourselves. Besides, they didn’t create the button, they’re only pushing it.
Pinpoint the triggers that might be complicating your feelings. You may then be able to anticipate, soften, or even alter your reaction. Remember: it’s easier to change your perceptions , attitude, and behavior than to ask someone to be a different kind of person.
6. They pause and take a deep breath.
Some personality characteristics may always set you off, says Kathleen Bartle (a California-based conflict consultant). Maybe it’s the colleague who regularly misses deadlines, or the guy who tells off-color jokes. Take a look at what sets you off and who’s pushing your buttons. That way, Bartle says, you can prepare for when it happens again.
According to her, “If you can pause and get a grip on your adrenaline pump and go to the intellectual part of your brain, you’ll be better able to have a conversation and to skip over the judgment.” A deep breath and one big step back can also help to calm you down and protect you from overreaction, thereby allowing you to proceed with a slightly more open mind and heart.
7. They voice their own needs.
If certain people constantly tick you off , calmly let them know that their manner of behavior or communication style is a problem for you. Avoid accusatory language and instead try the “When you…I feel…” formula. For example, Cacaiola advises you to tell that person, “When you cut me off in meetings, I feel like you don’t value my contributions.” Then, take a moment and wait for their response.
You may find that the other person didn’t realize you weren’t finished speaking, or your colleague was so excited about your idea that she enthusiastically jumped into the conversation.
8. They allow space between them.
If all else fails, smart people allow space between themselves and those they don’t like. Excuse yourself and go on your way. If at work, move to another room or sit at the other end of the conference table. With a bit of distance, perspective, and empathy, you may be able to come back and interact both with those people you like and those you don’t like as if unfazed .
Of course, everything would be easier if we could wish people we don’t like away. Too bad we all know that’s not how life works.
Vocabulary
1. considerate: 體貼的，考慮周全的。
2. thrive: 興旺，茁壯成長;convivial: 歡樂的，愉快的;cross: 生氣的;maligned: 惡意的，敵意的，后文malign為動詞，意為“誹謗，污蔑”。
3. admittedly: 無可否認地。
4. ruffle: 觸怒，使煩惱。
5. 斯坦福大學管理學教授羅伯特?薩頓說，一個完全由你愿意邀請到后院燒烤的人組建起來的團隊(即團隊中全是你喜歡的人)既不可能，也不切實際。comprise: 包含，由……組成。
6. inevitable: 不可避免的;encounter: 遇到;oppose: 反對。
7. intrinsically: 本質上地。
8. dismiss: 不理會，不接受。
9. 當然，你也許會因為他頻繁的批評而感到難堪，對她差勁的笑話咬牙切齒，或者對他整天圍著她轉感到不屑，但是不喜歡別人也許并不是什么壞事。cringe: 感到難堪;grit one’s teeth: 咬牙切齒;lousy: 差勁的，糟糕的;hover: 徘徊;affectionate: 親切的，充滿愛意的。
10. provoke: 激怒;prompt: 激勵，促使;propel: 推動，激勵。
11. civility: 禮貌，禮儀。
12. attune to: 使協調，使合拍。
13. decorum: 禮貌，得體。
14. onus: 責任;impartial: 公平的，公正的;composed: 沉著的，冷靜的。
15. diplomatic: 老練的，有策略的;poker face: 面無表情，指喜怒不形于色。
16. come across: 給人……印象。
17. stoop to: 屈尊，墮落到……。
18. unrealistic: 不切實際的，不實在的。
19. ingrained: 根深蒂固的，原有的。
20. get under one’s skin: 使人生氣，令人討厭。
21. irritating: 令人惱怒的。
22. 此處使用短語push one’s button，意為“惹惱某人”。
23. pinpoint: 查明，精確找到;trigger: 誘因;complicate: 使惡化。
24. perception: 感覺，看法。
25. set off: 激起，引起，此處指“惹惱”;consultant: 顧問。
26. off-color: 低級庸俗的，有傷風化的。
27. get a grip on: 了解，掌控;adrenaline: 腎上腺素;pump: 泵，此處指分泌。
28. tick sb. off: 使某人氣惱。
29. accusatory: 指責的，控訴的;formula: 方案，方法。
30. cut sb. off: 打斷某人講話。
31. unfazed: 不苦惱的。
難免會遇到一些我們不喜歡的人。面對討厭的人，我們該如何與之相處呢?聰明人自有妙招。學好這八條，你的世界也許就會豁然開朗。
In a perfect world, each person we interact with would be nice, kind, considerate , mindful, generous, and more. They would get our jokes and we would get theirs. We would all thrive in a convivial atmosphere where no one was ever cross, upset, or maligned.
However, we don’t live in a perfect world. Some people drive us crazy, and we (admittedly ) drive a few mad as well. Those we dislike are inconsiderate, rushed, malign our character, question our motives, or just don’t get our jokes at all—but expect us to laugh at all theirs.
You might wonder whether it is possible to be fair to someone who ruffles you all the time, or someone you’d rather avoid eating lunch with. You might wonder if you should learn to like every person you meet.
According to Robert Sutton (a professor of management science at Stanford University), it’s neither possible—nor even ideal—to build a team comprised entirely of people you’d invite to a backyard barbecue.
That’s why smart people make the most out of people they don’t like. Here’s how they do it.
1. They accept that they are not going to like everyone.
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we are nice people. We think that we are going to like everyone we interact with—even when that’s not going to happen. It’s inevitable you will encounter difficult people who oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They also recognize that conflicts or disagreements are a result of differences in values.
That person you don’t like is not intrinsically a bad human. The reason you don’t get along is because you have different values, and that difference creates judgment. Once you accept that not everyone will like you, and you won’t like everyone because of a difference in values, the realization can take the emotion out of the situation. That may even result in getting along better by agreeing to disagree.
2. They bear with (not ignore or dismiss ) those they don’t like.
Sure, you may cringe at his constant criticism, grit your teeth at her lousy jokes, or shake your head at the way he hovers around her all the time, but feeling less than affectionate to someone might not be the worst thing. “From a performance standpoint, liking the people you manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little,” says Sutton.
“You need people who have different points of view and aren’t afraid to argue,” Sutton adds. “They are the kind of people who stop the organization from doing stupid things.” It may not be easy, but bear with them. It is often those who challenge or provoke us that prompt us to new insights and help propel the group to success. Remember, you are not perfect either, yet people still tolerate you.
3. They treat those they don’t like with civility.
Whatever your feelings are for someone, that person will be highly attuned to your attitude and behavior, and will likely reflect it back to you. If you are rude to them, they will likely throw away all decorum and be rude to you too. The onus, therefore, is on you to remain fair, impartial, and composed.
“Cultivating a diplomatic poker face is important. You need to be able to come across as professional and positive,” says Ben Dattner, an organizational psychologist. This way you won’t stoop to their level or be sucked into acting the way they do.
4. They check their own expectations.
It’s not uncommon for people to have unrealistic expectations about others. We may expect others to act exactly as we would, or say the things that we might say in a certain situation. However, that’s not realistic. “People have ingrained personality traits that are going to largely determine how they react,” says Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD (psychology professor at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, New Jersey). “Expecting others to do as you would do is setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.”
If a person causes you to feel exactly the same way every time, adjust your expectations appropriately. This way you’ll be psychologically prepared and their behavior will not catch you by surprise. Smart people do this all the time. They’re not always surprised by a dis-likable person’s behavior.
5. They turn inwards and focus on themselves.
No matter what you try, some people can still really get under our skin . It’s important that you learn how to handle your frustration when dealing with someone who annoys you. Instead of thinking about how irritating that person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you are. Sometimes what we don’t like in others is frequently what we don’t like in ourselves. Besides, they didn’t create the button, they’re only pushing it.
Pinpoint the triggers that might be complicating your feelings. You may then be able to anticipate, soften, or even alter your reaction. Remember: it’s easier to change your perceptions , attitude, and behavior than to ask someone to be a different kind of person.
6. They pause and take a deep breath.
Some personality characteristics may always set you off, says Kathleen Bartle (a California-based conflict consultant). Maybe it’s the colleague who regularly misses deadlines, or the guy who tells off-color jokes. Take a look at what sets you off and who’s pushing your buttons. That way, Bartle says, you can prepare for when it happens again.
According to her, “If you can pause and get a grip on your adrenaline pump and go to the intellectual part of your brain, you’ll be better able to have a conversation and to skip over the judgment.” A deep breath and one big step back can also help to calm you down and protect you from overreaction, thereby allowing you to proceed with a slightly more open mind and heart.
7. They voice their own needs.
If certain people constantly tick you off , calmly let them know that their manner of behavior or communication style is a problem for you. Avoid accusatory language and instead try the “When you…I feel…” formula. For example, Cacaiola advises you to tell that person, “When you cut me off in meetings, I feel like you don’t value my contributions.” Then, take a moment and wait for their response.
You may find that the other person didn’t realize you weren’t finished speaking, or your colleague was so excited about your idea that she enthusiastically jumped into the conversation.
8. They allow space between them.
If all else fails, smart people allow space between themselves and those they don’t like. Excuse yourself and go on your way. If at work, move to another room or sit at the other end of the conference table. With a bit of distance, perspective, and empathy, you may be able to come back and interact both with those people you like and those you don’t like as if unfazed .
Of course, everything would be easier if we could wish people we don’t like away. Too bad we all know that’s not how life works.
Vocabulary
1. considerate: 體貼的，考慮周全的。
2. thrive: 興旺，茁壯成長;convivial: 歡樂的，愉快的;cross: 生氣的;maligned: 惡意的，敵意的，后文malign為動詞，意為“誹謗，污蔑”。
3. admittedly: 無可否認地。
4. ruffle: 觸怒，使煩惱。
5. 斯坦福大學管理學教授羅伯特?薩頓說，一個完全由你愿意邀請到后院燒烤的人組建起來的團隊(即團隊中全是你喜歡的人)既不可能，也不切實際。comprise: 包含，由……組成。
6. inevitable: 不可避免的;encounter: 遇到;oppose: 反對。
7. intrinsically: 本質上地。
8. dismiss: 不理會，不接受。
9. 當然，你也許會因為他頻繁的批評而感到難堪，對她差勁的笑話咬牙切齒，或者對他整天圍著她轉感到不屑，但是不喜歡別人也許并不是什么壞事。cringe: 感到難堪;grit one’s teeth: 咬牙切齒;lousy: 差勁的，糟糕的;hover: 徘徊;affectionate: 親切的，充滿愛意的。
10. provoke: 激怒;prompt: 激勵，促使;propel: 推動，激勵。
11. civility: 禮貌，禮儀。
12. attune to: 使協調，使合拍。
13. decorum: 禮貌，得體。
14. onus: 責任;impartial: 公平的，公正的;composed: 沉著的，冷靜的。
15. diplomatic: 老練的，有策略的;poker face: 面無表情，指喜怒不形于色。
16. come across: 給人……印象。
17. stoop to: 屈尊，墮落到……。
18. unrealistic: 不切實際的，不實在的。
19. ingrained: 根深蒂固的，原有的。
20. get under one’s skin: 使人生氣，令人討厭。
21. irritating: 令人惱怒的。
22. 此處使用短語push one’s button，意為“惹惱某人”。
23. pinpoint: 查明，精確找到;trigger: 誘因;complicate: 使惡化。
24. perception: 感覺，看法。
25. set off: 激起，引起，此處指“惹惱”;consultant: 顧問。
26. off-color: 低級庸俗的，有傷風化的。
27. get a grip on: 了解，掌控;adrenaline: 腎上腺素;pump: 泵，此處指分泌。
28. tick sb. off: 使某人氣惱。
29. accusatory: 指責的，控訴的;formula: 方案，方法。
30. cut sb. off: 打斷某人講話。
31. unfazed: 不苦惱的。
